Time for Change and Other News
It was time for a blog change. I was feeling a bit bored with the green and green tones. It started feeling a bit mushy to me and I wanted something a little more crisp. Not sure if this is the final version. Probably not. I like change.
In other news, I've had a really crappy week and haven't really posted anything new and interesting as a result. I've sort of been feeling down. So as I sit here sans children drinking a yummy Corona Light with a lime out of the bottle, I will share some of the crap with you (and so the poo continues).
It's been one of those weeks when I just feel like melding into my bed and letting sleep envelope me. I'm tired. Physically yes, but just tired in general. Of life. Life is hard for everyone in some way or to some extent. But the fact that people are starving in the world and dieing each day at war, or the fact that I have my health and am blessed with a fantastic job and two amazing kids, doesn't take away the fact that life is hard for me too, in its own way. That may sound harsh or cruel, but that's truly not the intent. It just is.
Some days I have the strength to stand up and face the challenge of the day, engage my boys with love and compassion, and give my best intellectual brain cell power to corporate America. Other days, of which the last few were a part, it's a struggle to be a kind, loving, nurturing, patient, productive person to those who love and count on me. Let me share some examples to illustrate.
- To the sweet teenage kid who handed me my Chick-fil-A bag at the drive through window, but who also forgot my crispy fries, I wanted to march into the place, shoving the bag at him while yelling obscenities. He also gave me two straws for three drinks AND I had to ask for ketchup.
- To the child who got out of bed four times in 30 minutes because he was scared – all before ever falling asleep – I wanted to scream, "Don't you get that it's all in your HEAD, kid! Go to sleep dammit and let me figure out Schizophrenic Description #4, WILL YA!!!"
- To the fish who died two weeks after we got him and six days after our hamster Pepsi died, these were my thoughts, "Oh, nice one Gills. Way to go. What, are YOU gonna break the news to the kid? You know you're getting flushed, don't you? Yeah well, thems the breaks!"
- To the soon to be ex-husband who last Friday said he couldn't take the boys this Saturday because he was moving, then Monday confirmed that he could because he wasn't moving, then tonight in the midst of the pick-up said that he couldn't, because now he was moving... well, let's just say that it's good I don't own a weapon and am not skilled in any form of martial arts. I'm not the most flexible person when it comes to a change in plans, I can admit that, but COME ON!!! I'm sure you can imagine what I wanted to do to him. But first, let me set the stage. We were at the elementary school movie night for the pick up. CARs was already pumping out of the gymnasium speakers. I politely said, "Guess they can help you move tomorrow." And that was that. Instead of bashing his head into the lovely 2nd grade art display, this is what I did: I picked up two movies, a half-gallon of Edy's Moose Tracks, a bottle of magic shell, and a six-pack of Corona. I drove home, screaming obscenities at him and thanking God that my only dealings with him are brief encounters required to make arrangements for the boys. Okay, so I went a wee bit overboard on the food items. Yeah, oh well I say. Oh well. Good thing is that I did get a few tears out, which is quite rare for me.
By now you get the picture. And by now I'm certain you're glad that your only interaction with me this last week was through the blogosphere...miles and miles away from the reality of me.
I'm sure next week will be better.
17 comments:
It may never get better, but you deffinately will get better at it! Hang tough sweetie, you'll get there.
I am sure writing about it gives you a better perspective about all that is 'amiss'.
jan - thanks for stopping by. have seen you over at cindra's place. it does seem to get better as time progresses, and thankfully i get better at it too. a break is nice from time to time :-)
e - yes, writing helps. if not to get perspective than at least to disconnect from it for a time. if i put it out there, then it's as if a piece of the emotion has been released and the feelings aren't as strong anymore.
not sure if that makes sense.
yes!
jake - i think i need an interpreter for your comment.
word verif: deyoiada
boy, what a plethera of definitions that one could have.
cherie! yes, that's the perfect word for it.
Funny, half way through the last part of your post I was ready to say to you, "Sounds like you need to curl up on the sofa and watch a movie."
And just then you said, "I picked up two movies, a half-gallon of Edy's Moose Tracks, a bottle of magic shell, and a six-pack of Corona."
Hope all went well.
thanks flic, yes it went well. though i skipped the ice cream and enjoyed a yummy piece of cake from a friend's baby shower instead. the mindless two hours of MI3 was quite enjoyable too.
funny, i just came downstairs, ready to head out for some errands and jumped on your blog with a new idea for #4. It's killin me, this one.
And you know what ... you are still the most lovley and most missing friend to me. Think about agian coming to Switzerland, so we could both yell at toughness of life. Which want help probably, but a lot of fun. I miss you terrible.
oh, translation of yes! : "I totally know what you mean about the value of writing things down, of sharing them, of giving them somewhere else to be rather than swimming about in your mind and swishing you all about with their restless commotion." See, us kiwi's are known for understatement... :)
It is good to have an outlet, and good that there are people that know you and genuinely care, and good that there are people that only know you from what they read and yet -they- also can care and share. And it seems to me that you have what it takes to make it in this world - that combination of inner strength (evidenced by your ability to be sad and frustrated and real about your life, rather than pretend it pretty), support, and smarts!
Moni - my dear friend. I ended Saturday wishing we could have spoken and today you are the first thing I see in my inbox!
I picked up cute Christmas gifts for L, O, and M yesterday! Can't wait to send!!! Love you!
Jake - wow, thank you for the explanation. It is good to know that there is understanding. you are a very insightful person and I greatly appreciate your encouragement :)
Hang in there honey bunny...life is full of tests, ain't it? MWah.
Thanks Cin. Many a tests there are. Pass or fail, we grow through them all. I can see that. Doesn't mean I like it though.
like your phonetic "moi". c'est bon!
Oh, veeery tricky, see how things get all kooky when you mix up languages! I thought Cin was mwah'ing you as in mmmmmwah, the sound you make when you give them a big ol' cheer up kiss on the cheek. (Being kind of an affectionate type, I have been known to give out the odd mwah here and there myself...)
Oh, and great WV this time, quite appropriate I think: vitvoiis, which *almost* translates as see saw, alluding, we presume, to the ups and downs you are going through! How wise blogger is...
given that I was at a loss on what she was saying ;-) you may very well be right, jake. now that i look at it and read your explanation, that makes perfect sense.
i think my brain is stuck on, "what could a hebephrenic schizophrenic be saying here?" of course cindra has an organized mind, and that being said, MWah as a kiss on the cheek is more likely, and most welcome!
an interesting WV indeed!
Sorry to hear about your entirely crappy day. Keep on blogging along though - already you seem to be feeling better.
Thanks Simon. I am. A break from work and a getaway to be with family was needed :)
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